Changing the Narrative on Healing: Part 1
Healing is a complex process filled with several highs, countless lows, and unfortunately, no time limit. You work so hard to “get over it” (although I believe the correct term is to “go through it,” but we can argue that difference later) just to find yourself reliving the hurt all over again months or even years later. In today’s world, it has only become even more complicated with the addition of social media. To put it simply, the social media world has become a complicated, congested place and at times, incredibly toxic. Although it comes with so many advantages, social media tends to consume most people in the worst of ways…especially when it comes to healing.
| My Story
In November of 2019, I went through the hardest and most pivotal point in my life. I had found myself at my lowest, unsure of what my future would be and drowning in a pool of depression daily. Waking up was even a chore. There wasn’t much of anything that made me happy besides the unhealthy relationship I had developed with food to try to cope.
Let’s flashback to the beginning for some backstory. I had always used working out as my sanity, there weren’t many days you wouldn’t catch me in the gym. I loved the control I had over transforming myself, it was an obsession. The only problem was that it was all superficial, my mindset was not developing like my body. For me, it didn’t matter how beautiful I was or how in shape I became, I had zero confidence. I was constantly seeking attention and completion from people, whether it be likes on social media, men sliding in my DMs, or nights out in the city getting hit on by strangers. It fed my ego and consumed me. I was attracted to confidence because I didn’t have it myself, and sadly, most stories I hear about failed relationships usually began with that same story. One half or both halves are not complete on their own, and therefore search for someone to complete them without becoming whole themselves. When this happens, as we all know we find ourselves using someone else to complete us, and furthermore, developing a sense of dependency.
| It’s clichè, I know, but very real.
My lack of self-identity caused me to run into the arms of a very confident man, but without being complete myself, it was easy to ignore the murder scene of red flags. Subsequently, it didn’t take long to fall apart either. This story is not to put blame on any one party, we all have our faults and made our mistakes, and quite honestly, we allow what we tolerate. This story is however to share my healing and hopefully help someone find hope. As the years passed in my relationship, I deteriorated. At a certain point, I was completely empty, truthfully long before he left me. I had nothing more to give, and the love faded. The breakup was the most pain I have ever felt in my life, (Yes, life has not been that hard for me, and I will be the first to admit it) and it was not for the reasons you would think. It wasn’t heartbreak, although it will always hurt to be left by someone you once loved, at a certain point you realize you are not good for someone, and in turn, they are not good for you. It happens. The real pain came from being left at my lowest…mentally, physically, and spiritually. My life became theirs very early on, which means any individual dreams and goals I may have once had, were no longer. My friends were his friends, my life was his life, and my dreams were his dreams. In the end, it felt as though years of my life were spent building “our life”, only to be left when the grass looked greener elsewhere. This is when we bring it back to the topic of discussion, the point of this entire blog…healing, mental health, and social media’s role. Yes, it took us a little while to get here, but trust me when I say that was the Cliff’s Notes version.
Now that we are all caught up, let’s get started. At this point, I was at a loss as to what to do. To say I immediately took control of my life would be a lie. I spiraled to a bad place, equally as dangerous as before. I stopped eating for almost two weeks, worked out like a maniac multiple times a day, never slept, and of course took what I like to call the destination placebo. We all have probably done it once in our lives, ran away from our problems to a beach, an island, (insert your favorite travel destination, and if it’s somewhere cold especially with snow I am immediately judging, sorry) only to return to our problems immediately upon return. However, there was one thing I did do right and almost instinctually…
| Overhauled my social media feed.
I know my triggers, we all should. Social media is one of mine. I had to make a decision between staying hurt and possibly becoming more broken by the content I would see or choosing peace. Needless to say, it was not a difficult choice. I immediately cleaned my social feed to in turn clear my mental feed and allow true healing to happen.
The first step was blocking the past, literally.
| BLOCK THEM!
But seriously, this is the single most important statement I will make in this entire blog…and do it now.
This step is so hard for people, and don’t get me wrong I totally get it. But at some point you really have to decide between healing or continuing to make yourself miserable. It isn’t just about seeing them with someone else, but seeing them happy regardless can hurt. It does not mean I wish harm to them. I can want all the best for you and just not care to see it. I am also going to say this so don’t kill me…block them on your phone, too! Yes the blog is about the “social world,” but the phone is almost as important. Whether you left them or they left you, there was a reason.
| Keep the past in the past, get your block game up.
Next to blocking, the second most powerful social media tool is the mute or the unfollow. This will apply to a lot of those close to your past situation. I muted and unfollowed more people than I can count, even some people that I loved and had developed great relationships with. Do I no longer care about them or dislike them? No, absolutely not. However, the risk of seeing that person second-handedly (don’t care if it’s a word or not) is not one I am willing to take. I realized that any memory, even seeing a name, took me back to a place I never wanted to be again, so I needed to mitigate that risk. Did I still stumble across some things, like terrible things? Yes. But I muted, cried, yelled, screamed, swore, prayed, and kept it moving.
| IN. THAT. ORDER.
We also have to apply this to real life. Some of those relationships you built especially those through that person may need muted in real life. Staying in the same circles will not allow you to heal, and it is not easy, but you have to create your own identity without them.
Thirdly, become close friends with the screen time setting on your phone. Schedule down time everyday on your social apps and set time limits. Personally, I set a two hour limit to social media every day and at 10pm my social apps say goodnight. I can still go in and wake them up, but it makes me second guess what I can do better with my time. I am far from perfect and there are days I wake those apps right up and keep scrolling, but there are also days I pick up a book, listen to music, or write. I focus on multiplying those days.
Finally, find your purpose on social media. Not having a purpose will have us endlessly scrolling, usually comparing our lives to others, or worse yet, stalking our ex and/or future love interests. Complete transparency, I mute anyone I am even dating or talking to now, unless we are exclusive. Why? Because of what I just said. If we are NOT exclusive why make yourself crazy looking into every single post or story or the possible female’s left arm six rows back and to the left in the background of that drink picture? (The people, both men and women, who do this…you know who you are) Trust me, you’ll thank me later.
As we get older, we need to take advantage of the positives of social media. Having a purpose will do that. I feel my purpose has been sharing my story and my journey, it’s personal to me. I fully transformed my life physically, mentally, and spiritually. Was it all on my own? No. I surrounded myself with positive people who helped me remember who I was. Was it all because I cleaned social media? No. It was from hundreds of pages being read, countless miles being ran, taking a very, very humbling step back to live with my parents for ten months, and millions of prayers being prayed. However, social media was a huge factor, and the overhaul allowed me to focus on the one thing I could control…
| Me.
Healing is a continuous process that takes intentional action daily. I still find myself at times removing negative thoughts to replace them with positive ones, but what’s the difference now? I CAN replace them. I control them. Social media was not the only step, but it was the first and biggest hurdle to jump. I have always been someone who sees the positive in people first, truly believes people are inherently good, and sacrifices for others before myself. One thing I refused to let happen was losing that part of me. I refused to not give everything to someone who won’t take advantage of it in the future. Truth is, the world is full of bad people and good people, but it is full of even more hurt people.
Change the narrative and heal.
